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Zlatan Ibrahimovic interview with Will Probing
Will Probing, consistent questionnaire and occasional sports writer, meets professional footballer Zlatan Ibrahimovic in the Morrisons café in Eccles.
(Disclaimer, this is completely fictional and never happened).
Will (W);
‘Zlatan, welcome to the Premier League. ‘
Zlatan (Z);
‘Zanks.’
W;
‘For those that are from another planet and just landed, give me one sentence that best describes you.’
Z;
‘Be still and know that I am God.’
W;
‘Tremendous and enlightening.
You’ve played in The Manchester Derby recently which was billed as “the richest game of football ever” and also play for Manchester United who just spent 100 million Euros on Paul Pogba.
What’s your opinion on the money now involved in the game?’
Zlatan eyelids tighten and he gazes into the distance pondering his answer deeply….
Z;
‘As I thought about zis answer I have made just a little over 30,000 Euros.
I have several tattoos on my svelte torso from my sponsors including Disney Land Paris, Colegate Toothpaste and Matchbox Cars which brings in accumulatively payments of 2.6 Millions Euros per annum.
I have the face of the Nivea, the hair of the Vidal and the feet of the Hush Puppy.
Each time I play I make 3000 Euros per minute.
Zis is financial facts.
What you don’t see is three decades of intense training and personal sacrifice.
I push my mind, body, soul and hair to their limits of capability and beyond.
I remember when in Sweden as 11 year old on Christmas Day, I had no friends, but if I had zey would be out skipping wiz polar bears in the snow or drinking schnapps or playing hop-scotch-tidy-litter with their families.
Me, I was meditating naked in lotus position whilst balancing on a slightly flat football visualising my future success and my many wondrous goals.
I always choose the hard path, the challenge, I always learn and absorb.
Was I wearing clothes? NO! This is the hard path! Was the ball inflated fully? NO! This is challenge.
Most people finish their education at school, me, I will be increasing my knowledge to the day I die which is going to be never.
Zis is commitment, zis is perseverance, zis is why, coupled with my outrageous talent, I win.
People take driving lessons then drive a truck the same way for the same money for the rest of their lives. Me, I breakdown the truck, what is it made from, what are its processes, what is it feeling.
I become the truck then there is no truck, only me, I am driving, I am truck!
So, the line at the bottom is that money is natural when you commit.’
Look out for more from the Zlatan interview including his insights into Doping in sport, Brexit and same sex marriage.
(Disclaimer, this is completely fictional and never happened).
Please do not sue I have no money!